


A Flower For Your Thoughts

by KangAshley



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flowers, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I Tried, Language of Flowers, M/M, Mentioned Yoon Jisung, Ong Seongwoo-centric, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, poor daniel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 16:26:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12303030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KangAshley/pseuds/KangAshley
Summary: “Leave it to Daniel to make a suicide note a creative work of art.” Seongwoo whispered to himself.Daniel has been depressed and the only thing that's kept him going was Seongwoo. But everyone has their limits and Daniel, sadly, reached his.(i suck at tagging and summaries lol)





	A Flower For Your Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ShirayukiSayaka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShirayukiSayaka/gifts).



> Trigger warning! I'm not sure if I described it too vividly but if you have issues with suicide and self-harm or violence in general, you have been warned. Otherwise, enjoy reading :)  
> Comments are very much appreciated, especially constructive criticism! :)
> 
> Also if you want to, I made a playlist on spotify for this fic so check out the [Official Soundtrack](https://open.spotify.com/user/bnsudsyahehw1lpad6vibukme/playlist/2ASsy6XZG26y0JwWBw2Skh).

 

 

 

A Flower For Your Thoughts – Ongniel

Seongwoo stared at his sad reflection in the mirror of his hotel room in Busan. He didn’t want to stay in Daniel’s home, in Daniel’s room for he wasn’t ready. His face had no color, almost resembling the pale face of his deceased lover. The only significant sign he was alive was the dark tint of pink around his eyes. He’s been crying for nearly a week. Oh, he hasn’t realized it’s been that long since Daniel killed himself. Who the hell is sadistic enough to drink a whole liter and a half of bleach? Seongwoo’s felt it, too, how something can burn up in your chest but that was because Daniel would send him into a frenzy.

He doesn’t know how to feel about hearing it from Jisung. He doesn’t know how to feel about not being the one to discover Daniel’s body. He doesn’t know how to feel about the suicide note he’s been given. He doesn’t know how to feel about not reading it up until this point. He doesn’t know how to feel anything. It’s like when Daniel died, he took Seongwoo’s will to live with him.

It would be unfair to say Seongwoo didn’t see it coming. He knew Daniel was suffering from depression. Seongwoo just thought (hoped) that he could be a good enough reason to stay. What a selfish thing to think. Or was it Daniel who was selfish? He stared at the black leather notebook in his hands. On the cover in silver sharpie wrote To Ong Seongwoo: I’m sorry. It was small and thin so he knew he could read it before the service would start. Seongwoo has seen it before. He saw Daniel write on it occasionally. He never bothered to ask what it was, assuming it was private since every time Daniel wrote on it he looked like he was going to crack.

He sat down on the bed, loosening his neck tie. He turned his head to the bed side table, a stack of used tissue was there but he still had half a roll remaining. He took a deep breath and opened the notebook to the first page with writing on it. To the left was a drawing of a flower he doesn’t know the name to. Lucky for him, Daniel had it scribbled at the bottom.

 

_Alstroemeria or Lily of the Incas – the flower of friendship_  

 

“Leave it to Daniel to make a suicide note a creative work of art.” Seongwoo whispered to himself. A ghost of a smile was forming on his lips but the tear ducts he thought were dry turned out otherwise. He wiped a lone tear from his left eye and focused on the writing right of the page. The date written atop it was the 14th of November 2014.

_I honestly don’t know how the universe could have set this up. How could the stars align so perfectly for me to meet you? Maybe there is a God somewhere up above. I guess I’ll know once this note is done, right?_  

Seongwoo winced at the attempt of humor.

_I’m sorry, that was a bad joke. Let’s focus on something nice first. Or as nice as this can get because… I’m planning to kill myself. _  
__

The pages here have drops of water on them. Tears, Seongwoo assumes.

_I think I’ll be doing it tomorrow. Right now, I’m sleeping over at your place. You’re sound asleep while ‘The Notebook’ is running. I’m sorry to give you such a good time today only to replace it with sadness the next. Things have just been so hard back home, my parents are fighting while my grandfather forces me to drop my fine arts major to take over our business. I know the others see me as someone who can take on the world, but hopefully at least you will understand where I’m coming from. _  
__

And Seongwoo does. The words stop there because he remembers that night. Alison and Noah in the movie kiss in the rain and he wakes up from the loud thunder of the T.V.

He recalls rubbing his tired eyes and seeing Daniel writing on the coffee table with tears in his eyes.

“What’s the matter?” He asked then, his voice raspy for some reason. Daniel had wiped the tears from his eyes and gave him a weak smile.

“It just feels like the end of the world.” Daniel’s voice shook but Seongwoo didn’t think much of it back then. He used to think that Daniel was going through a bump in a road normal people face but that he could eventually bounce back. He knew now that he was wrong with that assumption.

“Well if the world ends tomorrow, can I at least sleep by your side tonight?” It sounded like the usual joke escaping from Seongwoo’s lips but the atmosphere turned serious. Daniel had stopped crying, mouth slightly agape. Seongwoo swore he must have looked stupid just waiting for Daniel to say something but the following years Daniel assures him he never looked more perfect.

“Yes,” Daniel said breathlessly. It was like he was afraid but Seongwoo couldn’t quite put his finger as to why. Well, now he did. Seongwoo turned off the T.V. and they slept next to each other. It was quiet and cold for Daniel until Seongwoo absentmindedly put an arm around his waist. He stared at Seongwoo who had his eyes closed, and Daniel never knew it but Seongwoo was awake.

A few tears dropped from Seongwoo’s eyes. He could have lost Daniel the very next day but for whatever reason he decided that tomorrow was worth living. He wanted to be conceited and say the reason behind Daniel’s stay was him but could he really claim that? He turned the page and it was dated the 22nd of January the next year. Oh, how he knew that day so well.

  
_Purple Hyacinth – sorrow_  


_This seems really selfish. The last time I tried to do this, we were really happy. Seongwoo, I’m sorry. You mean a lot to me but here I am thinking of ending my life again. However, you’re already in agony since your grandmother’s Alzheimer’s gotten worse and she’s nearing the end._

Silently, a fresh batch of tears started falling from Seongwoo’s eyes.

_This sounds really bad, but I wish I could switch places with her. How could I tell you that my parents are getting violent? How could I tell you that I’ve been getting violent with myself? The universe gave me you but I repay it in the worst possible way. I’m sorry to put an even bigger burden on you by leaving._  

Seongwoo is openly crying now because of the fresh memories. Because not only did his grandmother die the night Daniel wrote this, but he had caught Daniel in what could have been the end.

Daniel left the notebook on Seongwoo’s desk. It was morbid of him to think of killing himself in his best friend’s bathroom, but in case he became a ghost he would sure like to be stuck here at Seongwoo’s place. The bottle of pills were in his hands. He was trembling, clumsily opening the bottle. He breathed in and out. He put a handful in his mouth and was about to swallow when Seongwoo barged in. Out of shock, he had spit all of them out.

“Daniel!” Seongwoo looked like he had seen a ghost. Daniel hoped he was dead and Seongwoo was actually seeing his ghost.

“Seongwoo,” Daniel spoke softly. A part of him was thankful that his friend had interrupted, like he wasn’t ready just yet. Seongwoo ran to his side, helping him stand up. Daniel didn’t even realize he had fallen to the ground, knees giving into his weight.

“Why?” Seongwoo asked, tears and hurt evident in his eyes. Daniel knew that behind this one word were a thousand unspoken ones.

“I’m sorry.” Daniel managed to say.

“You know I’m here for you, don’t you?” Seongwoo cried. “You know I’m still ready to make you smile anytime, right?”

“Sorry.” Daniel knew he had to say something more. He couldn’t just keep apologizing or he would scare his friend. “I’m just not sure if I can make you smile anymore.”

“Just stay. Don’t do that anymore.” Seongwoo and Daniel sat on the living room couch. They faced each other, a few inches away. Neither of them said anything, simply crying until somehow they were a tangled mess of limbs that started from a hug. They had both bawled their eyes out, starting to get tired.

“When we fall asleep,” Seongwoo whispered into Daniel’s ear. “Promise me that we’ll both wake up tomorrow.”

Daniel didn’t want to look at Seongwoo because he knew that if he did, if he gazed into those precious eyes, he would have no choice but to stay. He could never resist Seongwoo but he wanted to go, greedy as it sounded. Whatever compelled him to stare at Seongwoo, he didn’t know.

Seongwoo remembered Daniel nodded. Then he had wrapped his arms around Daniel, burying his head onto the other boy’s chest. The next day, he woke up alone on the couch. A heavy chill running through his body. He turned around and saw Daniel at the kitchen preparing food. He was initially relieved but the look on Daniel’s face told him he should feel the opposite. Over a sad bowl of cereal, Daniel told Seongwoo that his grandmother had passed away last night.

Seongwoo bit his lip, trying to suppress the sobs attempting to escape. It was the first time he caught Daniel and unknowing last time he would see his grandmother. He decided to turn to the following page dated the 18th of April that same year. A small smile crept up on his face, recalling the good memory. That didn’t last long, though, since he knew that Daniel attempted something that day and he intervened again.

 

_Delphinium – fun, light, ardent attachment  
_

_I’m in our room at the resort we rented out. You’re down there at the bar drinking with the others. Here I am again, only thinking about myself. Here I am again, only thinking about my misery and how badly I want to stop my suffering. Later, you’ll find me lying at the ground floor, the color red painting the soil where what appears to be Delphinium growing below. You got to admit it’s kind of funny that I’ll die in a few moments and they’re the flowers representing this last message. _  
__

It wasn’t funny for Seongwoo.

_I’m sorry. I hope you can drink your sorrows away._

Daniel stood on their balcony. He was on the ninth floor, surely he wouldn’t walk away with just a few broken bones. Surely, he would break his neck or bash his skull and that would be the end of it. Daniel lifted himself up, sitting on the railing. He felt the night air brush his face. It seemed oddly serene, falling to his death on a chilly night like this.

“Daniel?” He turned to see Seongwoo approach him. He had a scared look on his face but it was obvious he was a little drunk.

“Hey,” Daniel said. He didn’t like the idea of killing himself in front of his best friend but he made no move to step off the railings just yet.

“What are you doing?” Seongwoo asked, trying to seem casual. He had an idea of what Daniel was doing, rather what he was about to do. He hoped that if he didn’t address it directly, it would just go away. And it kind of worked.

“The stars,” Daniel started to say. His eyes were watering so he cleared his throat and waited a moment before speaking. “They looked beautiful tonight.”

“They are.” Seongwoo said, slowly standing on the balcony and resting his elbows on the railings, close to where Daniel sat.

“I’ll be honest.” Daniel looked at Seongwoo, obviously guilt-stricken. “I thought of being one of them tonight.” Seongwoo knew it took all of Daniel courage to tell him so out loud.

“I know.” Seongwoo said gently. It hurt Daniel to see him so sad because of himself. “But you should know that you’re more beautiful than the stars up there. I prefer you here, next to me.”

None of them knew why, but Daniel had gotten off the railing and they both sat at the chairs on the terrace. They had talked about the sky, destiny, life, and the moles on Seongwoo’s cheeks, and everything in between. It was a heartfelt moment between them that Seongwoo still held as his close memory. It was the time he could confidently say he stopped Daniel from leaving them all permanently. Suddenly, the sad reality that he wasn’t able to do so at present constricted his chest. _ _ _  
_ _ _

_Purple Carnation – capriciousness_

_Seongwoo, I can’t take it anymore.  
_

Seongwoo checked the date, it was July 20th of the year 2015. He stopped crying, genuinely curious as to why this day was part of Daniel’s failed attempts of ending his life.

_I love you. That’s crazy. Did you read that? I love you. My parents are now getting a messy divorce and it’s made me given up all hope of finding love yet here I am writing it down on my suicide note. I love you, Ong Seongwoo. Ong Seongwoo, I love you. I love you even though I’ve never seen you date another guy. I love you even though I’m supposed to stay in my lane and be your friend. I love you and my love for you will be the literal death of me. Because I can’t keep quiet anymore but I can’t afford to lose you either. I’m sorry, I love you. _ _  
__ _

Daniel shot Seongwoo a quick message. ‘We can’t be friends anymore’ it wrote. He received text after text, call after call after that. Daniel turned off his phone, ready to jump in front of a train. He walked around the city, his whole being getting icy. He took in the wonderful sights.

“This would be the last time.” He said to himself as he sat on a park bench. This was his favorite bench to sit on when he was troubled. This is where he would stare at strangers, observe and make up stories about them and their lives. This is where he would think long and hard before doing something but now this was going to be the last meaningful place he’ll visit before his permanent departure.

“Kang Daniel!” said boy turned his head around so fast he was amazed he didn’t die from the speed. Seongwoo ran toward him and crashed into the bench, toppling over and landing on his back in front of Daniel.

“A-are you okay?” Daniel asked.

“No, are you?” Seongwoo got up, dusting off imaginary dirt and looking at Daniel with such intensity. _ _ _  
_ _ _

“Uh,” Daniel looked away, not wanting to inform Seongwoo that he was supposed to catch the afternoon train.

“We can’t be friends anymore?” Seongwoo repeated Daniel’s text. “Bullshit!” He quickly apologized to an angered mother walking around with her daughter. “You don’t just say stuff like that and ignore me. Don’t you dare think of avoiding me like the plague after dropping a bomb like that with no explanation whatsoever.”

“How did you even know I was here?” Daniel asked disbelievingly.

“This is like your meditation spot, where else would you be if not your room?” Seongwoo said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Now tell me, what do you mean?”

“Didn’t you see the notebook I slid under your door?” Daniel asked tiredly. He was drained by all the events leading up to this moment but somehow he was regaining his strength. _ _ _  
_ _ _

“I was out earlier, about to go home actually, when I got your text.” Seongwoo replied. “Now please, tell me what this is about.”

His voice was pleading to Daniel and for the life of him he liked it. They stared at each other, Seongwoo no longer begging because he was scared that any further prompting would make Daniel not open up. Daniel cleared his throat, Seongwoo recalled.

“I think I-“ Daniel struggled. Seongwoo said nothing, waiting patiently with a determined expression as if silently saying that he can take it.

“I think I like you. Love you. As like, more than a friend.” Daniel admitted, not daring to look at Seongwoo’s expression. _ _ _  
_ _ _

_‘What a shame he didn’t look.’_ Seongwoo thought at the memory because Daniel would have seen his face explode into several shades of red. He would have seen Seongwoo’s mouth drop open. He would have seen his unknowing future boyfriend’s ginormous grin. The moment was impulsive and unpredictable. It was capricious. It was like how Daniel would have died that day but didn’t. It was like a purple carnation.

Seongwoo’s chest tightened because he was nearing the end of the notebook. He flipped the page and saw the date of October 13 last year. They had been living together for nearly five months then. That was weird, because nothing in particular happened that day.

_Hydrangea – gratitude for understanding_

_Seongwoo, you are the only one who gets it. You are the only one who understands the dark thoughts that lurk in my head. You are the only one who comforts me when my nightmares seize me in the middle of the night. You are the only one who has never doubted my success and fulfillment of my dreams._

Oh, that’s right. Seongwoo didn’t recognize the date as significant but judging by the way the message is relayed, this was when Daniel had no choice but to drop out of his major and take over their business. It was no problem for Daniel, he seemed like he was a natural leader but he didn’t like it one bit. Especially since he was forced into this position and was no longer allowed to follow his true passion.

_Thank you, I love you, but I’m sorry. I can’t take it anymore._

Daniel walked over to their shared bed where Seongwoo lay asleep. Daniel was quiet, knowing Seongwoo was a light sleeper if he wasn’t next to him. He reached below their bed and felt the rough texture of the rope he had bought hours earlier. He was going to hang himself in the living room. He smiled at the dark irony of his death and where he would commit his sin. Just as he was about to get up, however, Seongwoo started talking in his sleep.

“Daniel,” he said. Seongwoo had trouble recalling what exactly happened to change his mind, but if Daniel were alive he would have told Seongwoo what was so special about that day.

“Daniel, I’m scared.” Seongwoo’s brows knit together in what looked like fear and concern. “I want to wake up with you by my side.” Seongwoo continued to talk until he was no longer making sense and was silent. This was entirely new territory to Daniel. He had no idea that he meant that much, and that Seongwoo was afraid of losing him even in his sleep. Had he always thought about this? Had Seongwoo always thought of waking up and one day he wasn’t there anymore?

Seongwoo would never know that his sleep talking, his unfiltered and unorganized thoughts were what stopped Daniel from being suspended from the ceiling. Seongwoo turned to the next page. It was the last and it scared him because it was the longest.

_Daffodil – misfortune, new beginning/eternal life_

_Seongwoo, before all else I love you. This time, I’m certain about taking away my life. I’m certain about throwing it all away because now I know that no one is left by my side- not even you. My parents no longer care about me, they’re too busy starting their own families. My grandfather is now my guardian and I hate being powerless over him. My parents used to defend me but now I am on my own. Even though I knew he was old-fashioned, I told him about us._

Seongwoo’s eyes started to irritate with new found tears. He thought he knew where this was going.

_I told him about us and he punched me in the face, saying I was a disgrace to be in love with you. If only he knew you, I’m sure he’d understand how I couldn’t help but fall for you. I ran to you, expecting you to understand and to stand up for us. But when I told you, it was not what I expected._

Seongwoo’s chest felt like it was collapsing. It really, physically hurt. Because he remembered what he said a week ago to Daniel. He remembered telling him that even he wasn’t ready to tell the world he was gay for fear of being treated harshly, not realizing that the person he treated harshly was the person he cherished deeply.

_Maybe it was silly of me to just assume that. Maybe if I could have given you a longer time to think about it, you’d come around. But I knew that my grandfather would never. And if you weren’t up to it now, I didn’t have the assurance you would in the future to come. A part of me honestly thinks you ended up dating me just because I was your depressed best friend._

No.

_You must have pitied me, didn’t you?_

No.

_You must have just thought of keeping me alive and giving me what would make me happy instead of what truly made you happy, didn’t you?_

No.

_You never really, truly loved me, did you?_

Yes. Seongwoo did.

_I’ll never know, but I hope you remember what I feel for you. How so deeply in love with you I am._

And that was the end. Seongwoo flipped through the remaining pages but there were no more words. There was nothing else Daniel had left him. To his surprise, though, he found roses. Twelve of them were pressed inside the notebook, their supposed red color already fading but they were still radiant in their own way. Twelve red roses: the ultimate declaration of love. If only Seongwoo had been prouder, had been more supportive then this would not have happened. Then, maybe, he could have spent another day with Kang Daniel.


End file.
